Troll Stomping is a new, semi-regular series on this blog where I write Feminism 101 posts while cleaning out my comment moderation queue.
As the writer of a blog which routinely confronts misogyny, male privilege, and the masculine mystique, it will be a surprise to no one that my moderation queue is full of sexist, pseudo-intellectual rants and completely unintellectual flames. But what may be surprising is how incredibly similar many of these comments are.
At first I simply dismissed it all as the work of a few trolls with a dozen or so fake personas and a lot of time on their hands. But as the years went by, and many similarly themed but otherwise completely unique comments continued to roll in, I started to feel that these were actually different commenters who had all been indoctrinated with the same false preconceptions about men, women, and the relationships between them.
If only there was a word for this…
Regardless, I decided to kick off my first Troll Stomping post with one of my favorite flames of all time! Gawd, I wish this poor bugger didn’t post anonymously, as I would love to give him full credit for all the laughs he has given me with this wonderful little gem:
BWAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!! AHHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH! *GASP* HON! HON! YOU GOTTA COME HERE AND SEE THIS!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE? CAN YOU EVEN! BWAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!
*Sniff* Hehe! It just never, ever, gets old!! Ahhhhh! It’s beautiful!
Don’t you know anything, little dude? Feminists have happier relationships and far better sex lives than non-femninists!
Do you even know what a healthy sex life is? Do you know anything of the magnitude and glory of actual lovemaking between equal partners that is light-years beyond your nasty, brutish and primitive little notion of ‘needing to get laid’? Have you ever even been in a relationship? A real one? With someone who could tolerate being in your presence without getting paid to stay near you? Do you realize that actual consensual lovemaking between two mutual partners is vastly superior to the violent and/or demeaning shit found in your pornos? Do you even realize that fucking and lovemaking are vastly different from each other? Can you even have an orgasm without watching porn, or thinking about porn, or reenacting a scene from a porn? Do you realize how much pleasure you are missing out on when your only focus is to get yourself off? Would you even know how to read the romantic and sexual needs of a partner? Do you even know what shared, mutual pleasure is? To express your most personal desires, make yourself vulnerable to another person, and relish the joy partner has as they give you that pleasure? To feel the absolute joy of making someone who you truly care about the happiest person in the world? To ride the heights of someone else’s orgasm? To feel safe enough and close enough to your lover to truly bask in your mutual afterglow? To feel absolutely no emptiness after making love? Do you realize how vastly better sex is when you actually care about the other person, and they feel the same about you? How better it is when you see them as an equal person and treat them as an equal person, and not just a ‘chick’ to be ‘fucked’? Or have you never evolved past your sad, addicted, incontinence-like ‘need’ to ‘get laid’? Do you even know how to make love? Do you even know where to find the clitoris?
Dude, do you even lift?
I am fairly sure, based on your flippant disregard for the actual glories of lovemaking, that you have no idea what I am talking about. And my endless amusement at your expense is made bittersweet by the realization that you might be so broken in your ability to love and make love, that you might actually think that I am lying about all this!
If that is the case, please me know in the comments below, and I will respond by writing a detailed post on how men like you can start the long, rehabilitative process necessary to have an actually good, mutually affirming and fulfilling sex life with a partner who can actually stand to be around you.
And until then, let me start you off on the road to true happiness with this simple tip: ditch the pornography.
Seriously. If you’re a “regular user” of porn, you’re probably addicted to porn. It’s ruining your relationship with women, and it’s making you impotent. You really should just stop now if you ever want to have as good a sex life as I do. Seriously, cold turkey! After a few months of going 100% porn free, I promise that you’ll be able to keep it up better, and be having better sex with your partner.
You’re welcome.
Heh! ‘Needs to get laid’! What a looser! And a moron!